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Editors Note: Heckling during a game of golf is generally accepted to be ungentlemenly. The heckles on this page are not intended for use during a players backswing or in any manner that affects his game. They are meant as a collection of witty one-liners that can be used between friends after the swing is taken and the ball is slicing, hooking or rolling to it's final resting place.

Ugly Golf Shots

  • Take all the shots you need!
  • Let's pretend no one saw that!
  • What's that I'm smelling, could it be Mulligan Stew?
  • That will be an ornament!
  • Oh, that's rough!
 
 
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  • Try aiming out of bounds!
  • Need a weedwacker to find that one !
  • Bring a machete in your bag?
  • Club went farther than the ball!
  • You shouldn't drink and drive!
  • That one is off to Grandmothers house!
  • Should I put you down for 6? That's my final offer.
  • Check your hands for powder burns
  • That will be an ornament
  • Next time take the head cover off before you putt
  • You're going to need a backhoe to replace that divot! *

Golf Shots In the Sand

  • You're a Beach Boy!, Fun Fun Fun!
  • Smells like someone's in the cat box!
  • You are the Sandman!

Good Golf Shots

  • Take a picture, make a poster!
  • Drive for show, putt for dough!
  • That's a happy shot!
  • Oh-oh, you are way to close to the green!
  • You punished that plastic!
  • Nothin but the bottom of the cup!
  • Like a laser beam through a breeze!
  • You da man!
  • You are birdie-ful!
  • That is long and gone!
  • Someone's been taking lessons!
  • The eagle has landed!
  • Give me the Bird!
  • So that's how it's going to be, your luck vs. my skill
  • That ones on the dance floor

Bad Golf Shots

  • Put on your Bogie shoes!
  • If I only had an aim! (Sung to the tune of If I only had a brain
  • Do you want some pepperonni on that slice?
  • What did you do to your swing?
  • Don't make me hit you again!
  • Sit!, Fetch!, Roll Over!
  • Not everyone can slice like that!
  • Well, it'll be a short walk!
  • Too bad you can't hit your tee shots that long!
  • Did you see the wind take that?
  • Check your hands for powder burns!
  • Your skirt must have blown up in your face on that swing
  • That one got a squirrel
  • Not enough postage on that one
  • Didn't quite connect
  • Should have put a little body english on that one
  • Start thinking about the next one Get down! Bite!
  • Blame the Russian titanium alloy
  • Your divots are too heavy to carry back You'd better run! (to ball)
  • Nice stroke Alice!
  • Your handicap is your swing!
  • Walk it off!
  • At least you'll be able to find that one!
  • You should use pink balls, they are easier to find!
  • Do you have clubs with numbers on them?
  • Pssst, it breaks the other way!
  • Nice shot, the tree trunks not more than a foot wide!
  • So close, but yet...so what?
  • Bogie man is coming to get you!
  • That's one way to wash a ball!
  • The pin is that thing with the flag on it!
  • I think you've got alignment issues!
  • I lost it watching your wacky follow through!
  • The green is that light colored thing in the distance!
  • Run ya panzy!
  • That's coming in hot!
  • Did anyone else feel that gust of wind!
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