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Editors Note: Heckling during a game of golf is generally accepted to be ungentlemenly. The heckles on this page are not intended for use during a players backswing or in any manner that affects his game. They are meant as a collection of witty one-liners that can be used between friends after the swing is taken and the ball is slicing, hooking or rolling to it's final resting place.



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Ugly Golf Shots

bulletTake all the shots you need! bulletLet's pretend no one saw that! bulletWhat's that I'm smelling, could it be Mulligan Stew? bulletThat will be an ornament! bulletTry aiming out of bounds!

bulletNeed a weedwacker to find that one! bulletBring a machete in your bag? bulletClub went farther than the ball! bulletYou shouldn't drink and drive! bulletThat one is off to Grandmothers house!

bulletOh, that's rough! bulletShould I put you down for 6? That's my final offer. bulletCheck your hands for powder burns bulletThat will be an ornament bulletNext time take the head cover off before you putt

bulletYou're going to need a backhoe to replace that divot! *

Golf Shots In the Sand

bulletYou're a Beach Boy!, Fun Fun Fun! bulletSmells like someone's in the cat box! bulletYou are the Sandman!

Good Golf Shots

bulletTake a picture, make a poster! bulletDrive for show, putt for dough! bulletThat's a happy shot! bulletOh-oh, you are way to close to the green! bulletYou punished that plastic!

bulletNothin but the bottom of the cup! bulletLike a laser beam through a breeze! bulletYou da man! bulletYou are birdie-ful! bulletThat is long and gone!

bulletSomeone's been taking lessons! bulletThe eagle has landed! bulletGive me the Bird! bulletSo that's how it's going to be, your luck vs. my skill bullet That ones on the dance floor

Bad Golf Shots

bulletPut on your Bogie shoes! bulletIf I only had an aim! (Sung to the tune of If I only had a brain bulletDo you want some pepperonni on that slice? bulletWhat did you do to your swing? bulletDon't make me hit you again!

bulletSit!, Fetch!, Roll Over! bulletNot everyone can slice like that! bulletWell, it'll be a short walk! bulletToo bad you can't hit your tee shots that long! bulletDid you see the wind take that?

bulletCheck your hands for powder burns! bulletYour skirt must have blown up in your face on that swing bulletThat one got a squirrel bulletNot enough postage on that one bulletDidn't quite connect

Should have put a little body english on that one Start thinking about the next one Get down! Bite! Blame the Russian titanium alloy

Your divots are too heavy to carry back You'd better run! (to ball) bulletNice stroke Alice! bulletYour handicap is your swing! bulletWalk it off!

bulletAt least you'll be able to find that one! bulletYou should use pink balls, they are easier to find! bulletDo you have clubs with numbers on them? bulletPssst, it breaks the other way! bulletNice shot, the tree trunks not more than a foot wide!

bulletSo close, but yet...so what? bulletBogie man is coming to get you! bulletThat's one way to wash a ball! bulletThe pin is that thing with the flag on it! bulletI think you've got alignment issues!

bulletI lost it watching your wacky follow through! bulletThe green is that light colored thing in the distance! bulletRun ya panzy! bulletThat's coming in hot! bulletDid anyone else feel that gust of wind!

 
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