The Big List of Umpire Heckles

Categories

Poor Judgement

  • To batter as he steps into the box: ‘You better be swinging. You’re standing in the strike zone.’
  • You drop more calls than AT&T
  • It’s against the law to make prank calls!
  • (Hold up cell phone) Is this your cell phone? Because it has three missed calls!
  • That pitch was like your last date, you didn’t want to see her or call her.
  • You couldn’t call hogs!
  • You couldn’t get a pitchout right
  • You’re making more bad calls than a telemarketer!
  • Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone!
  • You need to go to confession after that call!
  • Don’t bother brushing off the corners, you’re not calling them anyway!
  • They’re putting your strike zone on the back of milk cartons!
  • Mix in some consistency once in awhile!
  • Why do you keep looking in your hand…do
    you have a map of the strike zone in it?
  • Hey blue, that’s not a 5 iron he’s hitting with! (on a low strike call)
  • Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners!
  • Why don’t you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you?
  • I’ve heard better calls at a square dance!
  • I’ve heard better calls between two tin cans and a piece of string!
  • Did you haul in your strike zone on a tractor trailer bed?
  • Wrong!
  • You couldn’t call a cab!
  • Its a strike zone, not an end zone!
  • How many fingers am I holding up?
  • Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!
  • It sure sounded like a strike!
  • Wipe the dirt off that called strike!
  • Sure you don’t want to phone a friend?
  • You can open your eyes now!
  • You’re blinking too long!
  • You couldn’t make a call if you had a phone book!
  • Do you get any better or is this it?
  • You couldn’t make a call in a phone booth!
  • Guess again, the last call was wrong!
  • Your strike zone is a moving target
  • You’re getting better, you almost made the right call that time
  • Hey, Sleeping Beauty, wake up!
  • Hey Blue, Magnum P.I. called, he can’t find your strike zone!
  • If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down
  • You flipping coins?
  • Is that your final answer?
  • What’s your magic word?
  • What’s the count Blue?
  • If you’re just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket
  • I didn’t pay 35 bucks to watch you call strikes!
  • It really is hot today – that strike zone is melting!
  • Leave the gift giving to Santa!
  • How about asking the audience?
  • Do you want to use another lifeline?
  • Flip over the plate and read the directions
  • Get a hammer and some nails, the plate is moving around!
  • How’s he going to learn if you keep giving him the answers? (to Ump after appeal)

Vision Issues

  • Did your glass eye fog up?
  • Have you lost your strike zone in the lights?
  • Now I know why there’s only one eye (I) in umpire
  • How about some Windex for that glass eye!
  • We know you’re blind, we’ve seen your wife!
  • You must be losing them in the lights!
  • I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
  • Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
  • When your dog barks twice, it’s a strike!
  • Kick your dog, he’s lying to you!
  • I’m gonna break your cane and shoot your dog
  • Be careful when you back up, so you don’t fall over your dog!
  • Hey Blue, if you had another eye it would be lonely!
  • Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
  • Don’t donate your eyes to science, they don’t want em’
  • Pull the good eye out of your pocket
  • Take out your glass eye and wash it!
  • I’ve seen potatoes with better eyes!
  • Hey blue, if you had one more eye you’d be a Cyclops
  • You couldn’t see the plate if your dinner was on it!
  • Somebody get the ump his prescription mask!
  • Take off that welding mask
  • Lenscrafter called…they’ll be ready in 30 min.
  • Open your good eye!
  • Next time buy a ticket if you’re going to watch!
  • I’ll take three pencils!
  • Looked pretty good from up here ump!
  • Hey Blue, were you looking for the curve?
  • What were you, a lookout.. at Pearl Harbor (alt:”..on the Titanic”)?

Allegations of Bias

  • Now I understand why you and the other manager look so much alike!
  • He must be wearing a (visiting team) t-shirt under that jersey.
  • The manager called, your uniform is ready
  • That’s why they shouldn’t let umpires date the players.
  • Do you feel guilty?
  • Who signs your game checks?
  • Is that guy your nephew Ump?
  • How can you eat with those hands?

Lack of Alertness

  • I thought only horses slept standing up!
  • Hey blue, that call was a ‘get outta here quick call’!
  • He was as out as a deaf kid playing musical chairs!
  • Stevie Wonder could see that one
  • Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on
  • Is your rule book written in braille?
  • You’re not gonna sleep a minute tonight
  • because you’ve slept all game.
  • Wake up Ump, You’re missing a great game!
  • So which one of you is the designated driver?
  • (For an umpire is slow getting in position) C’mon blue, put the Snicker Bar down.

Competence

  • Keep calling them like that and you’ll be bagging groceries by September.
  • You call more strikes than a union delegate!
  • How do you sleep at night?
  • I was confused the first time I saw a game too
  • I get better calls from my ex-wife!
  • Good thing there is not three choices!
  • I’ve seen better blue in a toilet bowl!
  • What’s a matter you Gotta Broken Arm?
    The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!
  • You really shouldn’t be in the game until you get warmed up!
  • You can go home blue, we’ll take it from here!
  • How’d you become an umpire? Flunk out of tollbooth school?
  • Sweep the plate! It’s the least you can do!
  • Move around Ump, you’re killing’ the grass!
  • How’d you get a square head in that round mask?
  • Do you travel with this team?
  • Come on, MCI doesn’t make that many bad calls!
  • Do you take Visa or American Express?
  • Punch a hole in that mask, you’re missing a good game
  • OK….the next call should be ours!
  • For a guy that only works 2 hours a day, you’re doing a pretty bad job!
  • You’re like a bat without sonar!
  • Ump, you’re calling a worse game than a NFL ref!
  • Keep making calls like that and you’ll be demoted to the pony league!
  • Somebody call the law, this guy is impersonating an umpire!
  • Move a little Ump, you’re growing’ roots!
  • How’s work experience going ump?
  • Here’s a quarter, go buy a strike zone!
  • I didn’t know we were golfing today, I would have brought my clubs!
  • Did you star in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’?
  • I’ve seen better Blues in a box of crayons!

Personal

  • Does your wife let you make decisions at home?
  • Move around, you’re tilting the infield!
  • Can I buy you another beer?
  • Eat a salad!

Classic

  • Let’s go dog robber!
  • Let’s go bus driver!
  • Let’s go rabbit ears!
  • Let’s go home plate!