The Big List of Pitcher Heckles

  • Your fastball’s slower than the Wi-Fi at my grandma’s house!
  • He’s going to take you so deep, you’ll think you’re the Titan submersible.
  • Stay Classy Pitch!
  • You’ve got about as much control as two rabbits on a first date!
  • You couldn’t hold your dog’s lead!
  • The last one of you to throw a no-hitter was the pitching machine.
  • He’s going to take you so deep, you’ll think you’re a Chilean miner.
  • Pitch him the deuce, Meat!
  • You better get some tape, because you just got ripped!
  • Take off your coat, you’re inside.
  • I’ve seen better arms on a beanbag chair!
  • Hey, how ’bout some sauce on that meatball?
  • This pitcher is Pac-Man…walka, walka, walka, walka!
  • The last time he found the plate twice in a row was at dinner!
  • I’ve seen more heat in a toaster.
  • He’s going to re-gift your next fastball.
  • Throw the Gyro!
  • Yoko Ono’s got better pitch control than you.
  • I don’t think you’ve got time to teach him a slider. (Mound Trip)
  • Here strike zone, strike zone, strike zone. Come here, boy.
  • The plate hasn’t moved in 100 years and he still can’t find it!
  • We should arrange a funeral for your dead arm!
  • Check the roster, you might be left-handed!
  • I’ve seen better pitchers at a Tupperware party!
  • We’re lighting you up like a Christmas tree!
  • Call this pitcher a butcher ’cause he’s serving up the meat!
  • You could have started a car with that jump!
  • I’ve seen more heat in an EZ-Bake oven!
  • Hey pitch! Why do you keep hitting our bats?
  • You can fill a closet with all those hangers!
  • I’ve seen better curves on a square!
  • Serve it up, snack bar!
  • The pitcher is as dirty as the ball he just threw!
  • This pitcher is dealing more junk than Fred Sanford.
  • I’ve seen better pitching in T-ball!
  • This guy’s falling apart like a Walmart sweater!
  • I’ve seen better pitches by a used car salesman!
  • You couldn’t save a Word file!
  • Call the zoo, he’s getting wild!
  • Flip him over, coach, he ain’t done yet!
  • Open the screen door, he is outside!
  • You couldn’t strike a note!
  • The way that ball was dancing, you know it wasn’t Southern Baptist!
  • Beethoven had better movements!
  • You’re supposed to drop and roll when you get burned!
  • You better get a black top hat, a cape, and a magic wand because you ain’t fooling anyone with your stuff!
  • One finger means fastball, not one mile an hour!
  • The harder you throw, the farther they go!
  • I hope you got your degree!
  • This pitcher is like the family car, everyone gets to drive him!
  • The pitcher’s got nothing on the ball but his hand!
  • I’ve seen better curves on a drag strip!
  • I’ve seen better pitchers in a bar room!
  • I’ve seen better junk in a junkyard!
  • I’ve seen better windups on a toy!
  • Nice pitch! It might not be that fast, but at least it’s straight and down the middle!
  • Maybe Sherlock Holmes could find the plate for you!
  • How about a donation for this walk-a-thon!
  • I’ve seen better curves on a road!
  • Call a search party, cause this guy can’t find the plate!
  • I’ve seen hot dogs with more mustard on them!
  • This must be the Top 40 Countdown, the hits just keep on rolling!
  • Get a snorkel because he just took you deep!
  • You couldn’t pitch hay!
  • Seen better picks in an afro!
  • You are going to have to ride the SHORT bus home!
  • I’ve seen candles with more heat!
  • You spend more time near rubber than a tire salesman!
  • There is more heat in an Amish home!
  • You couldn’t strike a pose!
  • Hey Pitch, take off the oven mitt!
  • You couldn’t throw rice at a Chinese wedding!
  • No, really, throw a fastball!
  • Hey, lunch meat – keep serving that baloney!
  • Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me… there’s no place like home!
  • There’s a fight at the bat rack!
  • You couldn’t strike out Stevie Wonder!
  • You pitch like the plate is high and outside!
  • They’re opening up another can of pitchers!
  • He’s got one higher than that!
  • First pitch ceremony is over!
  • He’s got nothing but his glove!
  • We’re going to hit you so hard you’ll get whiplash!
  • He’s an equal-opportunity pitcher, everyone gets a hit.
  • He must be the Pillsbury Doughboy cause he just got poked!
  • Someone call 911… They are killing him!
  • How can you throw with both hands wrapped around your neck?
  • This guy only throws the ball 55 feet!
  • Have a nice shower!
  • I’ve seen better moves on Soul Train!
  • They show movies on that flight?
  • What kind of pitcher are you? Chuck and duck?
  • You’ve been hit so hard you’re glowing!
  • That pitch wasn’t even in this time zone!
  • Stick a fork in him! That pitcher’s done.
  • I could walk alongside that pitch!
  • It’s raining baseballs!
  • Help, he’s choking!
  • Are there any doctors in the house? Anybody know the Heimlich?
  • Batting practice!
  • Better get the bullpen busy.
  • You couldn’t pitch hot biscuits to a hungry dog.
  • I saw your fastball pictured on the side of a milk carton!
  • You might as well have them hitting off a tee!
  • Get him a bucket, he’s throwing up!
  • Put a coat on that hanger!
  • You couldn’t pitch a tent!
  • You might not be tired, but the outfielders are!
  • The catcher’s throwing the ball back harder than you’re throwing it in!
  • You couldn’t throw a tantrum!
  • Who’s calling the pitches?
  • Pitcher’s got a rubber arm!
  • Just bring in the pitching machine!
  • Throw the ball, not the game!