Umpire Heckles

• Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
• It's against the law to make prank calls...
• (Hold up cell phone) Is this your cell phone? Because it has three missed calls!
• That pitch was like your last date, you didn't want to see her or call her.
• To batter as he steps into the box: "You better be swinging. You're standing in the strike zone."
• He was as out as a deaf kid playing musical chairs!
• After the ump has dusted off home plate: "You're gonna make someone a great wife someday!
• You're not gonna sleep a minute tonight because you've slept all game.
• Did you make the call on WMD in Iraq as well?
• Is your rule book written in braille?
• How's he going to learn if you keep giving him the answers? (to Ump after appeal)
• That's why they shouldn't let umpires date the players.
• I didn't pay 35 bucks to watch you call strikes!
• Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on
• If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket
• Stevie Wonder could see that one
• I thought only horses slept standing up!
• Flip over the plate and read the directions
• You couldn't call hogs!
• Keep calling em like that and you'll be bagging groceries by September.
• Get a hammer and some nails, the plate is movin' around!
• You call more strikes than a union delegate!
• Did your glass eye fog up?
• Have you lost your strike zone in the lights?
• Now I know why there's only one eye (I) in umpire
• You couldn't get a pitchout right
• That's a bad call....Telemarketer! Telemarketer! Telemarketer!
• How about some Windex for that glass eye!
• The French judge says it's a strike!
• How can you eat with those hands?
• You need to go to confession after that call!
• I've seen better Blues in a box of crayons!
• Don't bother brushing off the corners, yYou're not calling them anyway!
• We know you're blind, we've seen your wife!
• They're putting your stike zone on the back of milk cartons!
• Mix in some consistency once in awhile!
• You must be losing them in the lights!
• Why do you keep looking in your hand...do you have a map of the strike zone in it?
• I'll take three pencils!
• Hey blue, that's not a 5 iron he's hitting with! (on a low strike call)
• How do you sleep at night?
• I was confused the first time I saw a game too
• I've gotten better calls from my ex-wife!
• Good thing there is not three choices!
• Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners!
• Say ya lied!
• Why don't you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you?
• I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
• Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
• When your dog barks twice, its a strike!
• Kick your dog, he's lying to you!
• I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog

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