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Umpire Heckles
- Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
- It's against the law to make prank calls...
- (Hold up cell phone) Is this your cell phone? Because it has three missed calls!
- That pitch was like your last date, you didn't want to see her or call her.
- To batter as he steps into the box: "You better be swinging. You're standing in the strike zone."
- He was as out as a deaf kid playing musical chairs!
- After the ump has dusted off home plate: "You're gonna make someone a great wife someday!
- You're not gonna sleep a minute tonight because you've slept all game.
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- Did you make the call on WMD in Iraq as well?
- Is your rule book written in braille?
- How's he going to learn if you keep giving him the answers? (to Ump after appeal)
- That's why they shouldn't let umpires date the players.
- I didn't pay 35 bucks to watch you call strikes!
- Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on
- If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket
- Stevie Wonder could see that one
- I
thought only horses slept standing up!
- Flip over the plate and read the directions
- You couldn't call hogs!
- Keep calling
em like that and you'll be bagging groceries by September.
- Get a hammer and some nails, the plate is movin' around!
- You
call more strikes than a union delegate!
- Did your
glass eye fog up?
- Have you lost your strike zone in the
lights?
- Now I know why there's only one eye (I) in umpire
- You couldn't get a pitchout right
- That's a bad call....Telemarketer! Telemarketer! Telemarketer!
- How about some Windex for that glass eye!
- The French judge says it's a strike!
- How can you eat with those hands?
- You need to go to confession after that call!
- I've seen better Blues in a box of crayons!
- Don't bother brushing off the corners, yYou're not calling them anyway!
- We know you're blind, we've seen your wife!
- They're putting your stike zone on the back of milk cartons!
- Mix in some consistency once in awhile!
- You must be losing them in the lights!
- Why do you keep looking in your hand...do you have a map of the strike zone in it?
- I'll take three pencils!
- Hey blue, that's not a 5 iron he's hitting with! (on a low strike call)
- How do you sleep at night?
- I was confused the first time I saw a game too
- I've gotten better calls from my ex-wife!
- Good thing there is not three choices!
- Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners!
- Say ya lied!
- Why don't you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you?
- I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog!
- Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game?
- When your dog barks twice, its a strike!
- Kick your dog, he's lying to you!
- I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog
- Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog!
- Did you haul in your strike zone on a tractor trailer bed?
- Hey Blue, if you had another eye it would be lonely!
- I've heard better calls at a square dance!
- I've heard better calls between two tin cans and a piece of string!
- Hey Blue, were you looking for the curve?
- So which one of you is the designated driver?
- Move a little Ump, you're growing' roots!
I've seen better blue in a toilet bowl!
- What's a matter you Gotta Broken Arm?
- Look through the mask, not at it!
- It really is hot today - that strike zone is melting!
- Wrong!
- You couldn't call a cab!
- The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!
- Its a strike zone, not an end zone!
- You really shouldn't be in the game until you get warmed up!
- Blue's going' home in the back of the ambulance (after a bad call)
- Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!!
- You can go home blue, we'll take it from here!
- How'd you become an umpire? Flunk out of tollbooth school?
- How about asking the audience?
- Do you want to use another lifeline?
- 3 Blind Mice, 3 Blind Mice,
- What were you, a lookout.. at Pearl Harbor (alt:"..on the Titanic")?
- How many fingers am I holding up?
- (For an umpire is slow getting in position) C'mon blue, put the Snicker Bar down.
- Sweep the plate! It's the least you can do!
- Move around, you're tilting' the infield!
- Move around Ump, you're killing' the grass!
- You're killing me blue!
- It sure sounded like a strike!
- How'd you get a square head in that round mask?
- Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
- Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'
- Does your wife let you make decisions at home?
- Pull the good eye out of your pocket
- Wipe the dirt off that called strike!
- Sure you don't want to phone a friend?
- You can open your eyes now!
- Do you get any better or is this it?
- You're blinking too long!
- Do you travel with this team?
- Come on, MCI doesn't make that many bad calls!
- You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book!
- You couldn't make a call in a phone booth!
- Do you take Visa or American Express?
- Leave the gift giving to Santa!
- Take out your glass eye and wash it!
- OK....the next call should be ours!
- Guess again, the last call was wrong!
- Who signs your game checks?
- Is that guy your nephew Ump?
- Do you feel guilty?
- If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down
- The manager called, your uniform is ready
- Your strike zone is a moving target
- You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time
- Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game
- Hey, Sleeping Beauty, wake up!
- Hey Blue, Magnum P.I. called, he can't find your strike zone!
- I've seen potatoes with better eyes!
- Looked pretty good from up here ump!
- Do your sleeping at home ump!
- Lets go to Video Replay!
- For a guy that only works 2 hours a day, you're doing a pretty bad job!
- Hey blue, if you had one more eye you'd be a Cyclops
- RING..RING....Wake up call ump!
- You couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it!
- Wake up Ump, You're missing a great game!
- Somebody call the law, this guy is impersonating an umpire!
- Ump, you're calling a worse game than a NFL ref!
- Now I understand why you and the other manager look so much alike!
- You're like a bat without sonar!
- Here's a quarter, go buy a strike zone!
- Hows work experience going ump?
- He must be wearing a (visiting team) t-shirt under that jersey.
- Keep making calls like that and you'll be demoted to the pony league!
- Somebody get the ump his prescription mask!
- Sit down, bus driver!
- If you need the money this badly, get a paper route!
- You flipping coins?
- Is that your final answer?
- Take off that welding mask
- What's your magic word?
- What's the count Blue?
- Dog Robber! (classic)
- Lenscrafter called...they'll be ready in 30 min.
- Open your good eye!
- Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch!
- Can I buy you another beer?
- Eat a salad!
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